Monday, March 22, 2010

Lone Wolf Syndrome

The eyes see in, but only the mind gives insight ... JayAugg ™

It’s the discrepancies between MY description of myself and nearly everyone else’s that makes me wonder.

I would go with: quiet, self-contained, lazy, moody and sometimes judgmental.

Many people would go with quite the opposite: noisy, loud, playful, fun … you know, things that actually make me look like a social creature (I have my days, but they make it look like I am joke book).

In reality, I think I am quite incapable of maintaining relationships (I get the “Where’ve you been” a lil too often). I think I really am a victim of the Lone Wolf Syndrome.

I seem to be really jovial and funny, always coming up with silly stuff? Thank God that those are the thoughts I voice out. The rest of the time, my mind is in all the dark places normal people do not want to visit. No! I am not implying that I am abnormal, just that it would not be fun to be in my head. I have to keep myself happy with that smile and that joke or risk falling into the abyss that lays ahead (no pun intended). Honestly, I grow weary these days. I would much rather sit alone in my room and watch something off my laptop.

I actually have tried, keeping up appearances (OMG I am good @ this stuff). In actuality, I think I grow weary of folk easily. I mean there’s peeps that can’t shut up about themselves, and those who don’t think highly enough of themselves (those one’s I actually kinda try to avoid. They bring out the ME in me). Anyways, I found a way to stay in the mix; I move through peeps every semester. While the people I can proudly call friends are constant, they are few (shout out 4:18, Yemi and the gang). And I really don’t even know how many of them know anything about me. The truth is … I don’t talk about myself much. Not my past, not my future … probably just the really obvious present (chicks and … chicks).

I even only just thought about this because, I was doing one of my lone walks (which is what I do when I’m confused or pissed or REALLY sad), and I saw a bunch of people that I hang with. I thought about how funny it was that the more people I surround myself with, the more I realize how truly alone I am (and I am not referring to the ‘I don’t have a GF’ loneliness: … it’s the ‘no one may ever get me’ loneliness). I do better in this loneliness, or @least I have gotten used to it. Lone Wolf Style …

This is a stream of consciousness by the way …

1 comment:

  1. I like...P.S: I'm only gonna say one thing..some people feel just the way you do..inside..